Rest in Relationships

This last week has been a great turn around from the previous weekend's meltdown, feeling overwhelmed with my role as a mom and stretched trying to meet my husband's needs while he works full-time and finishes his last semester to earn his B.A. in English Literature.  It had to have started with a prayer.  I was feeling so down Monday morning; unmotivated, discouraged.  I tried to pray myself out of it, look into my girls' precious faces to boost my spirits, but I was stuck.  I had to get up out of bed though.  I had to take care of my girls.  As I went about my morning routine, it's like a switch was turned on inside of me.  All of a sudden I was encouraged.  When my husband came home for lunch I asked him if he had prayed for me.  He had and I had felt it.  Feeling someone's prayer for you is an amazing experience.

Since then I've been able to enjoy life as a mom.  I've been able to have patience during disciplining my 2-year-old.  I've actually taken the time to cherish my 3-month-old instead of taking care of business (changing diapers, nursing), then putting her down to move on to the next task.  I think that may have been some of the source of my stress lately.  I think I've been too task-oriented since Adella was born.  When Leala was born, I took the time to just be with her.  Now that I've gotten back to relaxing with Leala and making sure I spend relational time with Adella, I have more peace in my life.  I was recently going through my notes from last year's Mom Heart Conference since I won't be able to go this year, and one of the things Sally Clarkson had shared was that, "Busyness creates harshness."  I know that's true in my life.

So instead of seeing Leala burying herself in a pile of clean laundry that needed to be sorted, folded and put away as a hindrance to me getting a chore done, I had fun laughing with her each time I "found her" hiding in the heap of clothes.  Instead of busying myself with tasks, I've enjoyed taking the time to stroke Adella's soft cheek, pet her furry head, do things that make her smile, let her practice gripping with my fingers, show an interest when she tries to talk.  When Leala has reached her arms up to me communicating that she wants me to pick her up, bring her to the couch and snuggle with her while we watch a movie, I haven't bypassed her because I have things to do.  Instead I've been thankful for the fact that God made her to be a snuggler and have taken the time to encourage that part of who she is.  And as I've been taking the time to enjoy my relationship with my girls, I've been blessed to watch the relationship that's been blossoming between Leala and Adella as sisters.

Another relationship I've found rest in this week is my one with God.  Since I've started my 4-month Bible reading plan on Monday, I've felt God speaking to me a lot more than I've allowed Him time to previously.  Being disciplined in this area has definitely had a positive impact in my life. That impact would also include how I interact with my husband.  There's been less tension and better communication.  [laughs] It's almost a joke now, when I'm easily irritated, disrespectful or stressed, Gregg will ask me, "Did you read your Bible today?"  I definitely feel a difference when I do.  And it shows, like it has this past week, in the way I relate to my girls and my husband.  When I allow God the time to fill me up, I most certainly have what I need to pour out in to others.

Where the Heart Is

watercolor State Love prints by poppyandpinecone

Since I sat down to start this post yesterday, I've gone through a gamut of emotions from anxiousness, to reassurance, to sadness, to being encouraged.  This inner wrestling with my heart actually started last Sunday.  I was in denial about the possibility of being moved across the country this summer for my husband's Ph. D program, if he gets accepted.  I've been very content with my life here in California and very thankful that we have such a great church to fellowship and serve with and family close by to share the holidays and other special occasions with.  That Sunday I was eager to go to church to hear our friend share about his trip to China that went from about a 3 week trip with a group of friends to staying a total of about 5 months longer to teach English.  As he shared about his inner struggle with wanting to come back to his life in the U.S. and God speaking to his heart about his willingness to stay in China, it seemed to expose my own heart's struggle.  It felt like God was trying to prepare my heart to be sent too, away from my family, somewhere unfamiliar and foreign to me.  By the end of our church service, I was no longer in denial and accepted what seemed to be what God was speaking to me.  On the way home, I shared my thoughts with my husband and came to discover that my changed heart about moving was an answer to his prayers just that morning.  When you get confirmation like that, that you have actually heard from God, it's pretty exciting.

But then this week, out of curiosity, I started searching apartments in Pennsylvania, starting in Pittsburgh.  However, the apartments I was finding were old and dark and all I could think was isolation!  My sense of adventure and travel and excitement about being sent on a mission were dashed by the realities that I would be spending most of my time in an apartment, and what looked to be dark caves.  All my dreams about living out in the country were replaced by these small, compact boxes and run down images of the city I was seeing.  Ha, what was I thinking?  It's not like we were moving in with the Amish!

I woke up yesterday morning anxious, wanting to freeze time so I could stay in my beloved, sunny California.  I didn't want to get any closer to having to move away from all my comforts.  Later I remembered that I needed to do my devotions, so I continued where I was in the Psalms and was stunned when I read:

"Blessed is the man whose strength is in You, whose heart is set on pilgrimage."

 - Psalm 84:5

Yeah, maybe God's trying to get a message across to me?  I don't think I can brush of these clues anymore as coincidences.  And then get this.  I go grocery shopping that evening and in the baking isle of the store there stands a woman wearing a gray PENN STATE sweatshirt.  I thought to ask, "Did you live in Pennsylvania?  How did you like it there?" but I didn't have enough guts to strike up a conversation with a stranger (I'm working on that).  If I had a cell phone, maybe I would have at least somehow secretly snapped a shot of her sweatshirt for this entry.  Either way, it really has become comical how many times Pennsylvania has come up.  I mean, we'll hear about Arizona, Texas and Maryland from time to time and Gregg and I will jokingly give those states "points" for the possibility of moving there, but Pennsylvania got the University of Pittsburgh on our caller ID and an official PENN STATE sweatshirt!  That's not even counting all the times I've been like, "Let me guess... that book was published in Pennsylvania," or "No way!  That movie was filmed in Pennsylvania?!"  I'm starting to feel like Jim Carey's character in Bruce Almighty: "God, please give me a sign!" or more humorously, Steve Carell's character in Evan Almighty: "GEN 614."

This was the zinger Gregg wanted me to share - we're reading through Robin Jones Gunn's new book Love Finds You in Sunset Beach, Hawaii and last night I read:

"She wanted to stay where she was and find new ways to serve there so she wouldn't have to leave all that had become familiar."

From an outside perspective I'm reading Sierra Jensen's story, excited for her, knowing what's coming up, having caught some glimpses into what God has planned for her, while she's stuck in one of the first chapters of her story, sad about her situation, unable to see what lies in the pages ahead.  Well, God has the outsider's view of my life as well, and He knows the good plans He has for me and my family.  I have to remember:

"No good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly...

Blessed is the man who trusts in You!"

- Psalm 84:11-12 

As my mom encouraged me this morning, I need to look back and remember God's faithful provision for me in the past so I have the confidence I need to trust Him for my future.  And as my husband reminded me, though I may not know what the future holds, I do know what my mission is now:  to support my husband through this next semester of school and be faithful to take care of our girls and our home.  Be faithful, be obedient, be willing...

Thankful [Part 1]

Okay, I thought doing a Thanksgiving Advent was an original idea until I just Googled it!  However, I am glad to see that there are people out there who actually celebrate Thanksgiving and don't go from Halloween straight to Christmas.  Don't get me wrong, I love Christmas, but this year, more than ever before, it's really bugged me how overlooked Thanksgiving really is.  As I walked toward a store the other day, it actually made me sad to see a big Christmas tree set up in it's entrance.  To me it said, "'Tis the season to start coveting and consuming!" Where are the reminders that it's really the season to focus on being thankful for what we already have?

Well, I came across one the other day when I found this quote I highlighted in a book I'm reading:

"A thankful heart galvanizes the connection between my God and me."
{Sally Clarkson, Dancing With My Father, 92}

You know, back in May I was feeling bad about how easy it was to be thankful when all was going well in my life - for the blessings I felt God was giving me - in my post, Project Thankful.  And though it was good to evaluate whether or not I was loving the gifts more than the Giver who was giving them, I was reminded recently of the Scripture that says:

"Command those who are rich in this present age not to be haughty, nor to trust in uncertain riches but in the living God, who gives us richly all things to enjoy" (1 Timothy 6:17).

I don't need to feel guilty for enjoying the things God has given.  In fact, I think it glorifies God when I'm giving Him the credit for the blessings in my life.  I do need to be careful that I'm not trusting in possessions to make me happy.  God is the one I need to put my trust in because everything else is temporary.  Putting my trust in Him will give me that strong foundation to stand on whether life gives or takes.

With that being said, I would like to start my Thanksgiving Advent and list at least 11 things I'm thankful for:

1. Though my neighbors can get loud past curfew, disrupting our sleep, yell at and verbally abuse their children throughout the week, make periodic mysterious screaming noises like the strange sounds heard in Thornfield Hall in Jane Eyre, or right as I'm typing this, boom their bass so loud it can be felt through our walls while both my children are napping, I am thankful for a roof over our head and a home I have the privilege of making our haven.

2. The dashboard may be cracking, tires needing replacing, cosmetic damage increasing, and with a family of four, space now limiting, I'm thankful for our 2-door, 10-year-old Chevy Cavalier that gets us to the places that would be very inconvenient and time-consuming to get to if we didn't have a car that still works.

3. She may wake me up a couple times at night, have had two explosive diapers that soiled her clothes the past couple days (probably related to the broccoli that I gave in to and ate) and sometimes hysterically cry when we've tried everything we know to do to try and console her, but I'm reminded that Adella really is a precious gift from God (Psalm 127:3) and I'm thankful that He chose for her to exist (plus He made her really cute and adorable).

4. She can throw her fits, but they're really few and far between compared to all the sweet, snuggly, entertaining, proud moments I get to share with my first gift from God, Leala, who I am truly thankful for.

5. When I realize how like-minded we are, how patient he is, how hard and faithful he works, how devoted to God he is, how Christ-like he loves... I am really thankful for the husband God picked out for me!

6. It may be limiting our family time and wearing my poor husband out (and me when I don't have the extra help in taking care of the kids), but I'm thankful for the grants he's gotten to pay for enrollment at CSUSM and aid him in finishing his BA in English Literature which then may take him on to a Ph.D program.

7. I am very thankful for Gregg's employer, RCP Block and Brick, with how flexible they've been with his school schedule, how supportive they've been to our family and the awesome medical coverage they provide!

8. There is not a day that goes by that I don't genuinely thank God in prayer for the meals He provides for our family, especially after reading through one of Gregg's school books, Women's Indian Captivity Narratives, and learning how some people have had to survive (and being reminded that some people currently have to live) days without food.

9. I am very thankful for another cool, rainy fall season that has protected us southern Californians from wildfire-causing Santa Anas.

10. I am truly blessed and thankful for our church, Calvary Chapel of Escondido, where we enjoy fellowship, have opportunities to serve, and that provides good Bible teaching that refreshes and encourages us.

11. As said in a worship song that's one of the dearest to my heart (which I just learned by Googling, is actually the refrain from a hymn), "I thank You, Lord, for saving my soul.  I thank You, Lord, for making me whole.  I thank You, Lord, for giving to me Thy great salvation so rich and free."

Speaking of songs, wouldn't that be great if you could do a word search, like "thankful" in iTunes that would provide a list of songs that contained that word?  It would make it easier to put together playlists, I think.  I want to put together a "Thankful" one, but I'm afraid it would be too time-consuming.  The only songs that come to mind are "Thank You" by Rebecca St. James and "Thank You" by Dido.  Hey look - someone else had the same idea too!

Q.  Which songs would be in your "Thankful" playlist?

In the Stillness

Click on Image for Full-size

I was catching up on the events of online life this morning since I haven't been on the computer as much lately due to Gregg needing the laptop more often for school and me nesting like crazy with my due date being right around the corner!  One of the things I came across was this post my friend, Arielle, blogged on Tuesday.  I couldn't believe that on the same day she shared about the need to be still in the midst of this busy season of her life, God spoke to my heart, "Be still" when I was feeling restless and desperate to find something to lift me up spiritually.  So I sat down on the couch in my living room and just watched and listened to the refreshing rain that had begun falling outside and answered God's call to be still in His presence... 

"Be still, and know that I am God."

{Psalm 46:10}

Since the summer, I had gotten back in a routine of reading at least a chapter a day in my Bible in the morning and would get to spend a little time in prayer before Leala woke up.  But being at the end of my pregnancy, getting out of bed in the morning has been harder, and my days now begin with Leala crying for someone to come get her and take care of her.  I have learned how important that simple prayer each morning of, "Dear God, please give me the love and patience I need to care for Leala today," has been as I look back and see how the past couple weeks have gone without it.  They've been filled with days of frustration with Leala, raising my voice in impatience and irritation with her, and just overall stress.  My friend, Arielle, was so right when she wrote, "I am filled up so that I can be poured out again" and going through Sally Clarkson's book, The Mission of Motherhood on Tuesday mornings, I am well familiar with her similar maxim of, "You can't give to your children what you don't have yourself."  In fact, the night before, in preparing for my Tuesday morning study, I was convicted after I read about how Jesus served His disciples the night before He was going to go through a brutal crucifixion (chapter 4, The Servant Mother; p. 63-65).  He had every right to be served by them, but instead, He set the loving example of serving them, even knowing that they all would leave and betray Him when He was arrested.  So in light of Jesus' example, being at the tiring end of my pregnancy and facing the impending labor and delivery of my baby is no excuse to treat Leala the way I have.  I want these final days with just her before her baby sister comes, to be filled with special one-on-one memories, not filled with mommy being a stress case.

So in my spiritual lack, God met me where I was at and gave me the solution to my problem: "Be still."  And when I was obedient, not only did He sweetly and beautifully speak those words to my heart, but these encouraging words from the worship song, None But Jesus, came to my mind:

 

"In the quiet, in the stillness I know that You are God
In the secret of Your presence I know there I am restored 

When You call I won't refuse...

There is no one else for me, 

None but Jesus

Crucified to set me free...

So when You call I won't delay...

All my delight is in You, Lord

All of my hope, all of my strength

All my delight is in You, Lord, forevermore..."

Project Thankful

 {photo found here}

Today I visited my friend's blog to see if she had posted anything recently and really appreciated the thoughts she shared in this post.  I have been feeling blessed a lot lately!  I even told Gregg this evening that I feel like a spoiled child with the things God keeps giving me and our family!  Just today I was thinking about the story of Job in the Bible and how much God had blessed him and I remembered what Satan told God:
 

"You have always put a wall of protection around him and his home and his property. You have made him prosper in everything he does. Look how rich he is!  But reach out and take away everything he has, and he will surely curse you to your face!"

I thought to myself, "What if God takes away all my possessions?  Would my attitude towards Him change?  Would I stop praising Him?  Would I get mad at Him?"  Unfortunately, looking back at my track record, I would probably defame God's character... until the trial passed and I could see a little more clearly.

It's bothered me lately too that when asked what I'm thankful for I'm always listing the things I possess.  Would I still be thankful if those things got taken away (my husband, children, health, safety, etc.)?  What if my foundation for feeling blessed and being thankful were built on God's character alone?

I'll never forget this one teaching from one of our pastors at our church!  He asked if we loved God for the things He gave us, or if we loved the Giver Himself?  Boy, did that cut to the heart!  I am often guilty of loving God for the good things He gives me rather than just for who He is.

I think assigning myself "Project Thankful" is in order so the next time I'm tested in this area, I will have a strong foundation to stand on, built on the Giver and not on the things given.