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watercolor State Love prints by poppyandpinecone
Since I sat down to start this post yesterday, I've gone through a gamut of emotions from anxiousness, to reassurance, to sadness, to being encouraged. This inner wrestling with my heart actually started last Sunday. I was in denial about the possibility of being moved across the country this summer for my husband's Ph. D program, if he gets accepted. I've been very content with my life here in California and very thankful that we have such a great church to fellowship and serve with and family close by to share the holidays and other special occasions with. That Sunday I was eager to go to church to hear our friend share about his trip to China that went from about a 3 week trip with a group of friends to staying a total of about 5 months longer to teach English. As he shared about his inner struggle with wanting to come back to his life in the U.S. and God speaking to his heart about his willingness to stay in China, it seemed to expose my own heart's struggle. It felt like God was trying to prepare my heart to be sent too, away from my family, somewhere unfamiliar and foreign to me. By the end of our church service, I was no longer in denial and accepted what seemed to be what God was speaking to me. On the way home, I shared my thoughts with my husband and came to discover that my changed heart about moving was an answer to his prayers just that morning. When you get confirmation like that, that you have actually heard from God, it's pretty exciting.
But then this week, out of curiosity, I started searching apartments in Pennsylvania, starting in Pittsburgh. However, the apartments I was finding were old and dark and all I could think was isolation! My sense of adventure and travel and excitement about being sent on a mission were dashed by the realities that I would be spending most of my time in an apartment, and what looked to be dark caves. All my dreams about living out in the country were replaced by these small, compact boxes and run down images of the city I was seeing. Ha, what was I thinking? It's not like we were moving in with the Amish!
I woke up yesterday morning anxious, wanting to freeze time so I could stay in my beloved, sunny California. I didn't want to get any closer to having to move away from all my comforts. Later I remembered that I needed to do my devotions, so I continued where I was in the Psalms and was stunned when I read:
Yeah, maybe God's trying to get a message across to me? I don't think I can brush of these clues anymore as coincidences. And then get this. I go grocery shopping that evening and in the baking isle of the store there stands a woman wearing a gray PENN STATE sweatshirt. I thought to ask, "Did you live in Pennsylvania? How did you like it there?" but I didn't have enough guts to strike up a conversation with a stranger (I'm working on that). If I had a cell phone, maybe I would have at least somehow secretly snapped a shot of her sweatshirt for this entry. Either way, it really has become comical how many times Pennsylvania has come up. I mean, we'll hear about Arizona, Texas and Maryland from time to time and Gregg and I will jokingly give those states "points" for the possibility of moving there, but Pennsylvania got the University of Pittsburgh on our caller ID and an official PENN STATE sweatshirt! That's not even counting all the times I've been like, "Let me guess... that book was published in Pennsylvania," or "No way! That movie was filmed in Pennsylvania?!" I'm starting to feel like Jim Carey's character in Bruce Almighty: "God, please give me a sign!" or more humorously, Steve Carell's character in Evan Almighty: "GEN 614."
But then this week, out of curiosity, I started searching apartments in Pennsylvania, starting in Pittsburgh. However, the apartments I was finding were old and dark and all I could think was isolation! My sense of adventure and travel and excitement about being sent on a mission were dashed by the realities that I would be spending most of my time in an apartment, and what looked to be dark caves. All my dreams about living out in the country were replaced by these small, compact boxes and run down images of the city I was seeing. Ha, what was I thinking? It's not like we were moving in with the Amish!
I woke up yesterday morning anxious, wanting to freeze time so I could stay in my beloved, sunny California. I didn't want to get any closer to having to move away from all my comforts. Later I remembered that I needed to do my devotions, so I continued where I was in the Psalms and was stunned when I read:
"Blessed is the man whose strength is in You, whose heart is set on pilgrimage."
- Psalm 84:5
Yeah, maybe God's trying to get a message across to me? I don't think I can brush of these clues anymore as coincidences. And then get this. I go grocery shopping that evening and in the baking isle of the store there stands a woman wearing a gray PENN STATE sweatshirt. I thought to ask, "Did you live in Pennsylvania? How did you like it there?" but I didn't have enough guts to strike up a conversation with a stranger (I'm working on that). If I had a cell phone, maybe I would have at least somehow secretly snapped a shot of her sweatshirt for this entry. Either way, it really has become comical how many times Pennsylvania has come up. I mean, we'll hear about Arizona, Texas and Maryland from time to time and Gregg and I will jokingly give those states "points" for the possibility of moving there, but Pennsylvania got the University of Pittsburgh on our caller ID and an official PENN STATE sweatshirt! That's not even counting all the times I've been like, "Let me guess... that book was published in Pennsylvania," or "No way! That movie was filmed in Pennsylvania?!" I'm starting to feel like Jim Carey's character in Bruce Almighty: "God, please give me a sign!" or more humorously, Steve Carell's character in Evan Almighty: "GEN 614."
This was the zinger Gregg wanted me to share - we're reading through Robin Jones Gunn's new book Love Finds You in Sunset Beach, Hawaii and last night I read:
From an outside perspective I'm reading Sierra Jensen's story, excited for her, knowing what's coming up, having caught some glimpses into what God has planned for her, while she's stuck in one of the first chapters of her story, sad about her situation, unable to see what lies in the pages ahead. Well, God has the outsider's view of my life as well, and He knows the good plans He has for me and my family. I have to remember:
As my mom encouraged me this morning, I need to look back and remember God's faithful provision for me in the past so I have the confidence I need to trust Him for my future. And as my husband reminded me, though I may not know what the future holds, I do know what my mission is now: to support my husband through this next semester of school and be faithful to take care of our girls and our home. Be faithful, be obedient, be willing...
"She wanted to stay where she was and find new ways to serve there so she wouldn't have to leave all that had become familiar."
From an outside perspective I'm reading Sierra Jensen's story, excited for her, knowing what's coming up, having caught some glimpses into what God has planned for her, while she's stuck in one of the first chapters of her story, sad about her situation, unable to see what lies in the pages ahead. Well, God has the outsider's view of my life as well, and He knows the good plans He has for me and my family. I have to remember:
"No good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly...
Blessed is the man who trusts in You!"
- Psalm 84:11-12
As my mom encouraged me this morning, I need to look back and remember God's faithful provision for me in the past so I have the confidence I need to trust Him for my future. And as my husband reminded me, though I may not know what the future holds, I do know what my mission is now: to support my husband through this next semester of school and be faithful to take care of our girls and our home. Be faithful, be obedient, be willing...
Well... (clasping hands together in sheer delight)
ReplyDeleteYou know that Psalm 84 IS MY LIFE PASSAGE!
I have always envisioned "strength to strength" as stepping stones of all shapes, tones and sizes, all on the road to Zion. The word "strength" is etched into each one. The stones are all different and unique, but each one has been a place of growth and strength--an ebenezer, reminding us of His faithfulness each time He has moved us forward toward Himself.
There is a Valley of Weeping, to be sure--but those tears are not in vain. They make springs. Refreshing, useful springs...not just for you, the sojourner, but for all the other sojourners who are also on the pilgrimage. You will be able to give comfort with the comfort you, yourself have received.
And of course there are seasons of blessings, torrential downpours that will rain down, satisfy your thirst and cause new growth and new strength.
And all of this... well, it helps us to be mindful of traveling light.
Strength to strength!!
Praying for you. :)
Love,
Gab
How could I have forgotten about "pilgrim works?!" I'll have to have you tell me more about your life passage sometime. Thank you SO MUCH for your encouragement Gabbi! And thank you for your prayers. Much needed!
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